Sometimes I like to instigate in cyberspace. It is completely hysterical to me to see people get all riled up about "issues."
Issues.
Issues are tissues.
Complete strangers get enraged! Here's the thing: whenever I see someone write something completely outrageous online, I think they are just like me: they are pretending to be something they're not. Or maybe they really do think that, a little, but it's safe to write it because they do not have to own up to it.
This week there was an article about a model who went from a size 0 to a size 12. She whined about how she had counted calories obsessively and had an eating disorder because of the pressure to be thin because of the fashion industry.
Is this not inherent in the job description of fashion model? Do you not count calories, just like all of us should do who want to be relatively healthy? And should you not do a bit more than others because your fucking JOB is to be a coat hanger?
Below are some of the comments that I wrote that were spammed (please note that they are paraphrased since they became the property of the website on which I posted).
To begin:
she looked better as a size 0/1. i googled her pics and she is PORKIFIED now! and that's healthy? uh, no.
americans are so fat...and now that she just wants to eat all the time, she bellyaches - and she's now got quite a belly to do this - about her past obsession with being skinny...when her current obsession is being slovenly. ugh! grossness!
People angrily reacted to that posting.
They said, "How dare you?! BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH."
And then I giggled.
One woman wrote:
I would be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO happy to be a size 12 once more. When I was married my wedding dress was a 12 for the upper body and tailored down to an 8 from the ribcage down. Well, gravity, three kids and 40 years has now made me a perfect 48-44-48 - my son says I'm not fat . . . I'm industrial strength. And all 8 of my grandmonsters say I'm "fluffy" and love to sit on what little lap I have. I wouldn't trade those hugs and "lap" moments for all the size 0's or 12's in the world. Love who you are, accept what you are, and s***w the ones who criticize you
I replied:
Oh my God, you sound disgusting. You probably stink, missing those places that need awashin'. Stop rationalizing how gross you feel, honey. Start vomiting and feel better about yourself again.
Again, I was accused of being mean before the posting was spammed to death and removed.
Another:
clothes just look better on skinny people. it's true. [and i will stand behind that comment]
To which someone responded:
too bad your fat!!
And to which I replied:
what about my fat?! why are you talking about it? or did you use the possessive "your" when you meant to use the contraction "you're"? has all that liverwurst clogged your brain? i'm sorry, chubbles.
I will say that there were some readers who were clicking on the "I LIKE" button for my comments, which was reassuring.
Next, there was the story of the killer whale in Florida who killed one of the trainers. This is the third person the whale has killed.
This story is perfect for cheeky comments.
I wasn't the only one who thought this, by the way.
But people were ENRAGED by the saucy, brassy comments people were writing! "How dare you be so callous to this woman's family?! She was just murdered by a whale!" Um, look, if the woman's family was reading the comments board of the Internet news story, did they really give that much of a shit about her? And since when is it considered "murder" when an animal kills a person? The absurdity of these comments got my juices flowing, my balls tingling, my tummy fluttering.
For this story, I mostly responded to others' comments. Most of my comments were - again - removed, but here are a few.
One person wrote:
It is Ironic that if a dog bites someone it gets euthanized, but if a killer whale kills 3 people, they will still use them in the shows at Seaworld...
I replied:
this is because killer whales have the name "killer," hence it is their birth right. dogs DO NOT HAVE THIS RIGHT! now, if we petition to have some dogs' names changed to "killer dogs," it will be okay when they kill, and we won't have to euthanize them. simple solution!
Another person, getting so frustrated, by the lack of earnestness, posted:
Perhaps we should give Tillikum [the whale's name] the home address of some of the ignorant commentors here. Being flippant and trying to make stupid pathetic jokes about someone who has died seems to be the only thing some of you ridiculous folks have to do with your lives.
I responded:
Okay, that's just impractical. How is Tillikum going to come to our homes?! He is way too big to come down some of the side streets in my neighborhood. And he certainly wouldn't be able to flop up the steps of my apartment building! Please, if you have a suggestion, make it a practical one. Do not waste Tillikum's time.
At this point, I was having a lot of fun. Full of mirth.
Next, someone wrote:
I don't assume this whale jumped up and down and asking "pick me oh pick me...I want to be in captivity! It is terrible what happened to this woman and she may rest in piece. I am hoping that SeaWorld and all the rest of these types of corporations realize that animals don't belong in captivity!!! Orca's are especially unpredictable, it is just another failure of human naivness to not realize that. I went on a whale watch in Canada and Alaska and it was so much better to watch them in the wild from FAR AWAY, then it would be to see them perform for money. R.I.P. Dawn.
My response:
Actually, in Tillikum's autobiography, he wrote, "One day I saw people on a boat looking for whales to be in captivity. I decided to jump up and down, which was kind of difficult because I had lent my trampoline to my cousin Killadawn, and call, 'Pick me, oh pick me...I want to be in captivity!"
So, rychuswun55, please get your facts straight.
After posting that, I felt happy to be alive.
I posted this, as well:
whales are extremely possessive (and, little known fact, slightly ashamed) of their black and white markings. the trainer's black and white wetsuit most likely incited what is known as "whale fury." whale fury is the state of envy when another mammal looks curvier in black and white. this orca could not help himself.
A couple of my friends know that I engage in this activity, posting fucked-up comments for my own amusement. They say that I need to find something else to do with my time, that I have too much time on my hands and that I need to be creative. They are jealous and do not see that I AM being creative. More importantly, I am making myself happy.
That is self-love.
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